The big game -- who've you got?

Fun fact: the NFL takes its trademark rights very seriously. I'm not totally sure I'm allowed to refer to this weekend's important athletic competition by its name, unless I want to be hauled off in chains and sent to rot in an island prison alongside the first guy to say "Xerox" when he meant "photocopy." Instead, I have to call it "the big game," or the "championship," or "a bunch of hilarious commercials constantly interrupted by a boring football game."

As a New England Patriots fan, I'm finding it hard to choose a rooting interest in this one. There are arguments for and against each team.

Reasons to root for Arizona:

• They're the underdog, having never won "the big game," or even appeared in one of the previous XLII "big games." In fact, they're historically one of the worst franchises in any professional sport.
• Larry Fitzgerald, the Cards' star wide receiver, is an awesome talent and a likable guy.
• A good friend of mine is a lifelong fan of the team, and I'd like to see them make him happy for once, instead of crushing his heart like a piece of overripe fruit.
• Cartoon mascots are relatable.

Reasons to root against Arizona:

• I'm tired of hearing Kurt Warner's life story.
• Last December, with a playoff berth already locked up, the Cards laid a stinkbomb at Gillette Stadium, losing to my beloved Pats by 40 POINTS. The Patriots finished the season 11-5 and missed the playoffs; the Cardinals finished the season 9-7, hosted two playoff games, and are now representing the NFC in the Super B-- I mean, "the big game." No, I'm not bitter.

Reasons to root for Pittsburgh:

• They're an AFC team. Gotta rep my own conference.
• I really like their coach, Mike Tomlin, and not just because he reminds me of Dr. Foreman from House. He seems like a cool dude, albeit a guy who wouldn't hestitate to fling you into a wall if you even looked at him funny.
• The head honcho here at FEN is a Steelers fan, and I like having a job.

Reasons to root against Pittsburgh:

• There's some bad blood between them and New England. They're always talking smack, even though the Pats have gotten the best of them in recent memory, dispatching Pittsburgh en route to appearances in Big Games XXXI, XXXVI, and XXXIX. Not that anybody's keeping count.
• I cannot take Troy Polamalu's silken locks seriously, even knowing that if he reads this sentence, he will seek me out and tackle me so hard that my body is actually bisected.
• Something is just not right about their mascot, Steely McBeam. You know what I'm talking about.

Hmm. That didn't help me decide. I'll just root for a good game, and know that the real winner is me, when I eat an entire dish of seven-layer dip. Super bowl, indeed.

Of food. That's all I was referring to. A super bowl of food.